Follow the Lighted Promenade

Cafes at midnight, toasts to old suffering, a volley of music from the Maseru slums. I laughed a lot this weekend, which is exactly what I needed. I finished another story and it just hums - it is pretty damn weird, but I like the direction that my writing is taking. My late night ramblings have led me on some scintillating journeys, into some gorgeous places, down dirt-track roads into small, bright cities. Into shadowless clearings beneath the awning of Cassiopeia's Chair. This year - hands down the best writing I've ever done. Friday, I slept, then drove out to Valpo to meet Chris, Amy, and Adam for pizza. On the way, I saw a distant thunderstorm wobble and flash, and sang to Radiohead (and felt weepy at the magisterial sweep of the music): "Walk into the jaws of hell." I was down but I laughed so much that I felt sick. We played Jenga/ Uno, and talked until it was very late, and then I drove home, cracked out on Adam's coffee. I wrote until four. Satur

I have shown myself capabale of suffering for the irrefutibilty of truth. I have taken a step I have put off for far too long, and though I am hurting, it is a necessary evil. I don't want to carry my burden into the summer. So tonight I faced my fears head on and came out shaken but resolved. I've been holding on to nothing, and tonight I began to finally let it go.

(This is the song I opened with at the Muse in March. I just found the lyrics and thought they were blog-worthy. Enjoy!) When I first caught your eyes You were dancing through the trees The rivers rolled and sighed And gurgled to the sea You floated like a ghost Upon the morning’s mist You were rainfall on the coast You were lips that should be kissed Lay me down on this hill and sing to me of storms On the banks of this whispering rill, I’m reborn In the span of sleepless hours You filled my heart with hymns In the silhouettes of towers You made it bright again I’ve lain with you in twilight Under tin roofs loud with storms I’ve dreamt with you in gaslight And held you in my arms Lay me down on this hill and sing to me of storms On the banks of this whispering rill, I’m reborn

One of my favorite singer/ songwriters, David Brown from Brazzaville, actually read one of my stories, "Sleeping and Waking" and told me that I was a very talented writer with a very natural style. He has inspired much of my writing over the past six months, so this means a lot to me. I am going on one hour of sleep. Gawd, am I tired.

Green Flash (another A-minor masterpiece!) She said meet me on the shoal Where the red moonlight lingers Where hot wind whispers on the boles Bright waters glowing with green flash She led me down to the banks of Mbini She said my friend you’re so cold and dead She wrapped me in her silence and then began to sing While the shadows fell on my riverbed We’ll lean on the soft machines And make up rhymes to the sun And drink tea over maps of islands And drop foreign coins in fountains The dust of spirits Hums low malaguenas Of painted landscape Of broken circle I’ve many questions For the boatmen Who haunt the shoreline Of el Rio Benito I woke at dawn to the rattle of rain When the mist draped over the thick yellow river She caressed my skin with the music of whispers We descended to the banks and knelt in the eddies I said I can’t open my eyes I said I’m hot and river blind I’ve lain through this echoing evening In dim purgatorial musings Onchocerciasis A swarm of insects A backlit canvas

I was talking to Herbie the other night, about looking forward to the summer with both excitement and apprehension. I told him that I love the freedom that I feel, that sense of new beginnings and all that, but I told him that I was still trying to fill my emptiness. He looked at me and said, "We all are." That made me feel a lot better and a whole lot less alone. My friends, you have such integrity! Take a bow! Something tells me this will be a wonderful summer: paperbacks on trains, cane fields, rain on apartment windows, the excitement of new love, the thrill of leavetaking. Who's up for a long roadtrip?

Moments of Zen: The Secret Machines rock - check them out! I have become obsessed! K-Os (a Canadian Hip Hop outfit, in the same vein as Outkast) is also amazing. Troll 2 is the greatest movie ever!!! I'm feeling a little better. There is humidity, heat, the promise of storms. There is a weekend and the promise of sleep.

I've come all unfocused. There has been laughter lately, as much as ever, but my mood these last few days reminds me of a P.T. Anderson movie, where the seemingly lighthearted events are underscored by a tense and ominous musical tone. I've lost connection with the bigger things. I feel a little lost, period. I feel like I don't matter very much, though I know I do. I just have to keep moving, and this too shall pass. It's just not been a very easy time for me, and if pressed, it'd be hard for me to explain why. A return to the things I can control...

Thank you, good evening, welcome! I’ve been a sad, mopey little guy these last few days. Things feel better today, though, so that’s good. And it’s May! Let’s see: Friday, I went with Adam and Chris to a Japanese restaurant and blew my nose about four thousand times. I slept for ten hours. Saturday, Sophia, Adam and I went to the Tandoor (oh, how I had missed that place, that waystation of culture) and then to Sophia’s house where she showed us pictures of Costa Rica and Peru. It’s nice to meet a fellow traveler. I recorded a song on my four track (one about traveling and onchoceraisis) and though the guitar is slightly out of tune and though my voice is as unspectacular as ever, there is an undeniable power to the demo, and I look forward to playing it live. I plan on doing another show in June, so save your five dollars. And yesterday, I watched Boogie Nights with Chris. We talked about the larger issues for awhile and I felt better about things. I’m so happy that I have friend