Follow the Lighted Promenade

I watched the movie, "The Elephant Man" last night on AMC. For those who don't know the story, John Merrick (the Elephant Man) was a hideously disfigured sideshow attraction in London during the latter 1800's. He was mistreated horribly for the duration of his life - until he befriended a doctor who saw through all his surface flaws. John Merrick was a lover of literature and the theatre, a true gentleman, and something in the story - perhaps his indomitable will, his genuine, almost childlike curiosity, or his overwhelming decency and goodness in the face of such abject cruelty - really tugged at my heart. Look people in the eyes, don't be denied. Sometimes beauty lurks in the most improbable places. Lugubrious is the word of the day. It means almost ludicrous melancholia. Pop that one at your next party. Kee-RIPES! What happened to the weather?

There is about things this sense of leave - taking, of journeys begun and begun again - this suggestion of travel, this hint of a possible elsewhere. SK/PS There is such confliction about me. On the one hand, I'm still in a bit of a fugue, slave to the routine, longing so desperately to let my mind flow with the cumulonimbus clouds, wanting to catch my reflection in storefront windows in distant nameless towns. My travelin' bone's been itching me. But I am flowing through a time in my life where this just isn't an option. On the other hand, my mind is alive, so much so that it seems to leave the rest of me behind. Yesterday, it got so vehement that I had to walk around at school to keep from jumping out of my body. I don't know what I feel, but it is INTENSE. I'm taking real chances in a few areas of my life. Luckily I trust those I'm taking my chances with, but I still feel vulnerable. Things are not boring right now, that's for sure. I'

This has been without a doubt the most intense week or so of my life. I've got nothing left. I'm full of noise and strings. I can't look myself in the eye sometimes I reach for you in the early morning rising glory and forget that you're not there. Shutting it down with friends around, don't be offended if I'm lost in the maze I've made. I haven't slept in 28.5 hours now. I can't deal with things any better than I could when I was a teenager. Right now I feel that I'm falling, and the background noise makes a steady, almost tuneful hum. I'm so out of control, if I were into drugs, I'd have been dead by now. I guess this is what it means to be alive. Spinning. Fuck!

There's a theory that we are in a short warm period during a continuing ice age. That's how I feel. I've had some really intense ups and have been taking things one day at a time, but I've really sort of been in a long, dark period. Months and months. When I step away from the immediate and look at the big picture, I see a lot of sorrow that I've had for quite awhile. So what do I do? I go into the fantasy world. Not Dungeons and Dragons, but the fantasy world we all go into to deal with the realities of this oftentimes soulless place. I live in denial. Occasionally a great friend will come along and shake me out of it, and then I realize that it's Monday morning, I've not dealt with anything. I had my fantasy world popped the other day and since then have been very down. I am enjoying it though. Not the intense moments, but the misty reprieves where it's not quite so intense and I can contemplate being a fierce loner. I don't want to is

I have neglected to write. It seems that I've had much to say but no energy to say it. Well, here goes. Today has been good. My test was cancelled, one that I was only moderately prepared for, so that was good. The sky is an impossible blue, the temp. is a sweet 80, and I've a hankerin' to do some hiking. I ate lunch with April, a girl I met recently. She is an engineering major, a complete left brainer, so our conversations seem oddly complete - two sides of the same subject. Afterwards we just wandered around marvelling at the sky and the huge block of free time we had. I talked to Rhonda who took a huge step in flushing out the sadness that has plagued her for so long. It is wonderful to see that strength in a person. She is kinda mad, but that is an improvement over her sadness. (He'll help put the "u" in improuvement. Any Simpsons fans will laugh loudly at that one.) Yesterday, I had a frustrated day, but it picked up at the end. I talked