There's a theory that we are in a short warm period during a continuing ice age. That's how I feel. I've had some really intense ups and have been taking things one day at a time, but I've really sort of been in a long, dark period. Months and months. When I step away from the immediate and look at the big picture, I see a lot of sorrow that I've had for quite awhile.
So what do I do? I go into the fantasy world. Not Dungeons and Dragons, but the fantasy world we all go into to deal with the realities of this oftentimes soulless place. I live in denial. Occasionally a great friend will come along and shake me out of it, and then I realize that it's Monday morning, I've not dealt with anything. I had my fantasy world popped the other day and since then have been very down. I am enjoying it though. Not the intense moments, but the misty reprieves where it's not quite so intense and I can contemplate being a fierce loner. I don't want to isolate myself from people, but it seems that I just can't face them. I'm good at putting on a brave face and smiling at comments that just absolutely break my heart, but when I'm down, I can't fake it.
"I need a crowd of people, but I can't face them day to day/ Though my problems are meaningless/ That don't make them go away."
Neil Young, "On the Beach"
I am an up person most of the time, but sometimes I can't be up. I'm sorry. It happens that whenever I get down, being such an up person, that everyone instantly tells me to "snap out of it," and the like. No one knows what I feel. I've got this reputation as sort of a happy-go-lucky guy that never gets down. That's my own doing, because I'm horrid at expressing myself and can't really let people know when I'm in the doldrums. (Well, I am now, aren't I?) I've never met anyone who can describe the level that I feel, in any parameter. Joy, love, sadness, pain, happiness, lonliness. There is nothing halfway here. I don't do things that I kinda like, I go for the throat everyday. I feel happiness even in sadness. I am sad right now, and it feels right.
I'm glad that I can express myself. If not, I would just fold. I can talk things out very well, but end up sounding so redundant to myself. So I play guitar, very very hard. I take long walks under the moonlight. (I've probably walked, no exaggeration, 10 miles this week, just thinking things through.) I asked God to please show me the way, 'cause I'm so lost right now. I've painted myself into some grim corners and haven't found the strength to get out. I know I have it, but I keep f*#@ing up. It's easier to do it that way, but sometimes the best road isn't the easiest one.
It's a waning moon my friends. I hope before it's new I can sort things out.
So what do I do? I go into the fantasy world. Not Dungeons and Dragons, but the fantasy world we all go into to deal with the realities of this oftentimes soulless place. I live in denial. Occasionally a great friend will come along and shake me out of it, and then I realize that it's Monday morning, I've not dealt with anything. I had my fantasy world popped the other day and since then have been very down. I am enjoying it though. Not the intense moments, but the misty reprieves where it's not quite so intense and I can contemplate being a fierce loner. I don't want to isolate myself from people, but it seems that I just can't face them. I'm good at putting on a brave face and smiling at comments that just absolutely break my heart, but when I'm down, I can't fake it.
"I need a crowd of people, but I can't face them day to day/ Though my problems are meaningless/ That don't make them go away."
Neil Young, "On the Beach"
I am an up person most of the time, but sometimes I can't be up. I'm sorry. It happens that whenever I get down, being such an up person, that everyone instantly tells me to "snap out of it," and the like. No one knows what I feel. I've got this reputation as sort of a happy-go-lucky guy that never gets down. That's my own doing, because I'm horrid at expressing myself and can't really let people know when I'm in the doldrums. (Well, I am now, aren't I?) I've never met anyone who can describe the level that I feel, in any parameter. Joy, love, sadness, pain, happiness, lonliness. There is nothing halfway here. I don't do things that I kinda like, I go for the throat everyday. I feel happiness even in sadness. I am sad right now, and it feels right.
I'm glad that I can express myself. If not, I would just fold. I can talk things out very well, but end up sounding so redundant to myself. So I play guitar, very very hard. I take long walks under the moonlight. (I've probably walked, no exaggeration, 10 miles this week, just thinking things through.) I asked God to please show me the way, 'cause I'm so lost right now. I've painted myself into some grim corners and haven't found the strength to get out. I know I have it, but I keep f*#@ing up. It's easier to do it that way, but sometimes the best road isn't the easiest one.
It's a waning moon my friends. I hope before it's new I can sort things out.
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