06 June 2005

"I can watch but not take part/ where I end and where you start." - Radiohead

I feel a little lonely today, and I'm wondering how much of this is self imposed. I find myself shutting off in situations where I used to be wide open - granted, that's natural after going through a breakup, but it's just not me. I've been able to connect with certain people (Chris, Adam, Amy, Jeremy, amongst others) much more in the past few months, and I've been meeting new people - but I still have a tendency to withdraw and to hide behind poetry and goofy humor and silence in situations where there's real possibility for connection. I want to be open, but there's still such a massive hurt inside of me that I just can't be all the time.

I've had prospects too...a few legitimate dating prospects, but I've not felt in any hurry to pull the trigger. I want to make sure things are honest, first of all, and that I'm getting into things for the right reason. But, primarily, I think it stems from the fact that I'm still healing. I can't be with someone halfheartedly, and my heart is still bleeding within me. Part of me is yelling for me to take the plunge (honestly I've never gotten into relationships easily), but most of me knows that that would be a bad decision. When I'm a bit more healed (soon, soon) I think I'll be able to open up again.

That being said, I had a fabulous weekend. Saturday, Adam, Amy, Chris and I grilled out and discussed stories and watched thunderstorms and laughed so much it was ridiculous. I had a moment Sat. night when I looked around the room and felt such a happy vibe from things. I've not stopped feeling or writing or travelling or teaching or composing or driving into nowhere. I've not stopped loving life. I've not compromised any part of my spirit or my integrity, and I'm surrounded by people who can say the same. It's a good feeling.

Sunday, I rode 20 miles through the equatorial heat and beat a rainstorm home, and then watched the Cubs (who are winning!) and took a lovely, introspective walk around Wicker Park, and then met Paul and Sophia for dinner. The sky was filled with lightning, so we drove off into the darkness, listening to Brazzaville, in search of the perfect vista. We sat in a windy lot, beneath the spire of an illumined belfry...gazing longlingly at the horizon, I trying to open my heart to the bigger things.

I've admittedly not been entirely happy these past few days. I've had to swallow a lot of shit, and it's hard watching something die (and even harder to lose respect). But I can see (from my blessed distance) where people's trainwreck decisions are leading them. I will learn from their mistakes and not make the same ones. (There's a little bit of poetic justice here, too, and the small, implacable part of me is smiling just a little - I hate to admit that.)

When I look inward I'm happy, for I have so much within me. And it's coming out in some rather spectacular ways.

A happier post next time - two days left of school!


At 5:38 PM, Blogger Green Man said...

"...but I still have a tendency to withdraw and to hide behind poetry and goofy humor and silence in situations where there's real possibility for connection."

Yeah, I've been wanting to say something about that, but didn't know exactly what it was I wanted to say. You've probably seen me holding back sometimes.

I hope you're having a good last few days of school. I've got a week of sampling left. We'll talk soon.

At 8:07 AM, Blogger Dan said...

Sometimes holding back is the most honest thing you can do.

I feel better today, though there's still a cloud.


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