24 March 2005

"Solitude has soft, silky hands, but with strong fingers it grasps the heart and makes it ache with sorrow. Solitude is the ally of sorrow as well as a companion of spiritual exaltation." Kahlil Gibran.

That quote moved me profoundly today.

I've not slept well, nor have I been able to rise above the pall that has descended over me in previous days. I think that my sickness, coupled with anxiety over my upcoming trip, has led my mind down dark avenues. I am looking forward to the trip (I need a change, a breaking of the routine that has sustained me for so long) but it's hard, when shivering alone at four in the morning, to look ahead with anything but apprehension.

It would be so easy for me to surround myself with friends right now, but I feel, as strongly as I've ever felt anything, that my path is one of solitude, and I need to walk it in silence. Though I've not lost myself, there are parts of me that are burgeoning, and I want to see what comes about. The decisions I've been making have not been the easiest ones, but the right ones seldom are.

I am proud of myself for having this strength, for in all honesty, this really isn't easy on me. The world has grown very large, but I'm still heading out into it, to camp in the lowforests, to write in dinghy motels, to listen to Beck and M.I.A. and Maun Chao in the vernal subtropics...

It sounds both lovely and terrifying.

4 Comments:

At 7:14 AM, Blogger Harlem Rose said...

I'm absolutley content and happy when I'm by myself, but it's only when I'm amongst a group of people that I realize and feel that ache in my heart.....
I'm still at loss as to why people are searching for that person who they can be happy with? To be honest, the one person who can satisfy and understand you the most is YOURSELF. Instead of seaching for someone, maybe we should all look in ourselves?

 
At 6:14 AM, Blogger me said...

I think I finally understand your fondness for foreign music you can't understand. It doesn't matter what the lyrics say and it is actually better not to know. What matters is that the music reaches you and moves you, and that makes it more spiritual. I found a new artist and a CD for you upon your return.

 
At 4:01 PM, Blogger Ultra Juke Joint Jezebel said...

Right now, I hope you are warm and comfortable. Right now, I hope you are staring out across the ocean and feeling that mystical pull in your soul that makes you who you are. Right now, I hope you making memorys that will sustain you through the dreary ennui that is northwest Indiana. Right now, I hope you are finding that part of yourself for which you have been searching. And right now, I hope you're missing me as much as I'm missing you this Sunday evening.

 
At 12:13 PM, Blogger Dan said...

You guys made me very happy...

Harlem Rose - you are right, or course. I agree completely.

Adam - You should check out the newest Manu Chao. It is indescribably amazing.

Heather - I do miss you. I thought a lot about Zoo Day and Snake Day. You are so cool!

 

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