The first week of student teaching has been fine. There's been little teaching at all as my cooperating teacher is the department head and has the nearly unfathomable task of getting all the new literature and grammar books out. But I've stayed positive, as has he. I am really looking forward to getting started though. I've got some ideas and the students seem nice (if not overly ambitious.) It's a tall order and I'm already tired most of the time, though.
And I feel lonely. It's not like the times before when I was a zitty faced kid and was forced to be alone. This is a completely self-imposed isolation, I come home at night ready to make calls and see people and I just can't.
I've been able to talk to Sarah. I feel very open to her but also very vulnerable and take everything personally. I think it's because I can't open up right now very often so when I do, I go all the way, am probably too open and wear my heart on my sleeve, so when she non-maliciously wants to go to bed at 9:30, I just feel really sad. Being vulnerable is a very beautiful thing I think, but it can be dangerous. I've been hurt in the past. But I trust Sarah and I know that she loves me, I can see it. And if you don't open yourself up to hurt, love something fleeting with all you have, then you just suck. I need to be open more. I broke myself down again last night - I hope Sarah appreciates it, that utter honesty and sentiment, even if it isn't what she's used to. I hope she knows that it's necessary for me. I like to feel that that takes more balls than just biting the bullet and swallowing your sadness.
"Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat." - Teddy Roosevelt.
There on the hill stands a haunted man
Slumped on the plow in the field
Is a haunted man
Laid himself clean
Last night in the moonlight
Said I don’t want to feel this way anymore
And then the haunted man shut the door
And was alone
I'm glad no one reads this anymore, but it did help me feel better. I guess there's just a meanness in this world.
And I feel lonely. It's not like the times before when I was a zitty faced kid and was forced to be alone. This is a completely self-imposed isolation, I come home at night ready to make calls and see people and I just can't.
I've been able to talk to Sarah. I feel very open to her but also very vulnerable and take everything personally. I think it's because I can't open up right now very often so when I do, I go all the way, am probably too open and wear my heart on my sleeve, so when she non-maliciously wants to go to bed at 9:30, I just feel really sad. Being vulnerable is a very beautiful thing I think, but it can be dangerous. I've been hurt in the past. But I trust Sarah and I know that she loves me, I can see it. And if you don't open yourself up to hurt, love something fleeting with all you have, then you just suck. I need to be open more. I broke myself down again last night - I hope Sarah appreciates it, that utter honesty and sentiment, even if it isn't what she's used to. I hope she knows that it's necessary for me. I like to feel that that takes more balls than just biting the bullet and swallowing your sadness.
"Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat." - Teddy Roosevelt.
There on the hill stands a haunted man
Slumped on the plow in the field
Is a haunted man
Laid himself clean
Last night in the moonlight
Said I don’t want to feel this way anymore
And then the haunted man shut the door
And was alone
I'm glad no one reads this anymore, but it did help me feel better. I guess there's just a meanness in this world.
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