27 March 2002

And it did.
Sarah said that my melancholy would lead somewhere beautiful, and it did. I really tried to go to class, I did I did, but the clouds were just too beautiful so I went to Wicker Park and took a walk. While I was walking I got such an idea that it almost stopped me in my tracks it was so powerful. I AM A WRITER!!! There. It's going to happen. I'm not sure if I'm a teacher yet, but right now I am a writer, and I feel like a REAL writer. I was down yesterday, low. It was cold everywhere and I felt like a heel, took a nap but didn't sleep, couldn't look up, or make connections.
But did you see the clouds today? ! They explode me. I was powerless to look away and I got a big idea while stumbling under them and exploring and walked around for an hour playing this idea through my head. It is a massive idea, the biggest thing I've ever had.
Sarah came and helped me smile again. I love her.
My jeans are muddy from making my own trail into those deflected musings. I've gotta work soon, where there are no windows opening on the clouds, only the sterility of flourescence. But the idea is there. And it will never be gone, and I love it. It was too big to come to light yesterday, and I think that's why I hurt. My synapses were exploding and I didn't know why and I had so much going on, a war inside my brain, that even the smallest thing hurt me and sent me reeling and wondering what was wrong. But today, today I have never felt more like a writer in my life.
And that is truly beautiful.


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