29 November 2001

Thought I'd write before my afternoon lethargy set in. I'm feeling okay, I guess. Things hit a low yesterday; they've been spiralling down for awhile, and yesterday, it all hit. I'm hesitant to throw out the word "depression," because that is not what it is, but it's a real bad spell, negative perceptions, loss of self. I feel good this morning, though. I stepped onto the porch at about 7 and just looked over the gray sky, leaden, overlapping grayness stretching to the northwestern horizon, and I breathed in deeply, and offered up a short prayer, something to the effect of :"I can't ask for happiness, but just help me to make it through." And I felt good. I put on "The Ghost of Tom Joad" by Bruce Springsteen, one of my favourite road trip tapes, and just fell into it.
"If God gives you nothin' but lemons, make some lemonade
The early bird catches the fuckin' worm
Rome wasn't built in a day."
I love that song. It sounds like it's gonna be hopelessly optimistic, but then it mocks all of that fucking useless "It's gonna be all right" stuff. Sometimes, it's just not gonna be all right. You have to "be productive with your blues." You have to stop trying to get out of it, and start trying to live in it.
Teaching is going very, very well. My cooperating teacher told me that I had "tremendous potential" and had wonderful, conversational style. She said she'd be sad to see tomorrow come when I leave! I was so happy with that! When I am teaching, I forget all of my problems, and it feels good. I just shut it off, and live, for the briefest of instants, in the moment. But it is exhausting.
I need to eat. I need to read a story. I need to write a journal. That's what I am going to do.
Tonight, I pick my campsite carefully.
I should start getting pickled.

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