06 September 2001

When I sleep, I can deal with all the stuff that comes my way for some reason. I slept very well last night, deep sea, REM, constant dreaming type stuff. I woke up to the alarm's shrill warning,happy, and then realized what day it was and where I was at and then it was mumbling time. But my chemicals had all been replenished, or something like that, and I felt I could deal with 9 to 6:20 straight through with no break. And thus far I have.
This semester is going to burn me to a crisp. I'm not a stay on top of things kinda guy...I'm more of an "Oh shit, THAT was due TODAY?!?" type of guy. But that's not gonna work with my classes. Not this time around. So if I am sullen, disheveled, and constantly drunk by about September 15, understand, please.
I watched "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" last night, one of the funniest and trippiest movies I've ever seen. Basically, two guys with a supply of every drug imaginable trip through the Vegas strip. It put me in a weird mood, tired as I was, and I started thinking about my own life. Credit card bills in excess of (no exaggeration) 7,500 dollars, $150 of which is due Saturday...I don't get paid until way after that. It's a tough financial situation I'm in, but I'll make it. A line from a Nirvana video came to me...[Adopting stoner accent] "Well, Fuck it man." It's just money. Has money ever made anyone happy? No. It lulls you into a false sense of security when you have it and then makes you feel as though you are missing something when you don't. That's why I've been a bit out of control with spending at times. There's this imaginary number by my name in some credit card account that tells someone somewhere how much I owe. If I buy a Neil Young CD, I get intense fuckin' pleasure out of it...and that imaginary number goes up a couple digits. If I throw some t-shirts in the car and drive to Truth or Consequences, New Mexico and have a great time and commune with the spirits and stomp along to said Neil Young CD, that imaginary number goes up a few more. What's the alternative?..Be rational, be in control. Stay at home, work on the weekends, keep a clean credit record so when someone asks you what your imaginary number is, they don't gasp and say things like "Whatinthefuckwereyouthinking?" Not for moiu. I do like to pay my bills on time (some sort of ingrained responsibility that I think my Mom browbeat into me) but if I can't, bah! The sun is gonna burn out in about 4 billion years, so it really won't matter, will it?
I wrote a song last night - it's still lacking lyrics, but it was so good I almost couldn't handle it. I played it over and over so that I wouldn't lose the melody. My songwriting has really shifted gears, I'm writing songs that I like to hear. I have so much emotion inside and I think it's entering into my composing. Like I told Sarah, I've no idea if what I write is good or not, but if it moves me, that's enough really. I'd like people to share my vision, but that rarely happens in any part of my life, so I've learned to deal with it if they don't. That's why, when I write a story, I can hand it to someone and say "Tell me what you think." If they think it sucks, it doesn't faze me because it has already moved me enough to finish and want to share, and who cares really. If they don't like it, they won't read it again. So no harm done. But I've been hitting a stride, feeling very creative and finding great lines that have either been interred in my brain or floated to me across some great, spectral expanse.
I should be in class now. But I couldn't handle it! A poetry class with no depth in discussion is liking hearing a weatherman cover the sports. "Well, I think that this poem is positive because it has, like, great lines and stuff." Am I too conceited? Have I lost touch with reality and begun to feel that I'm this poetic genius who has never misinterpreted a poem or said something stupid and off-kilter? I haven't, but I still think that I need a calculus class or something. That would put my sorry, pretentious ass right back in it's place. "OK, when you put that thing over there, like, does that cancel out the 2 or something?" :) Ha Ha. I've been in that situation, boys and girls. It sucked! I got a D and a year of intensive psychotherapy.
I start at the writing lab today. I have a ton of energy, but I'm mildly apprehensive. This is the real deal, folks, talking to real students and attempting to offer a solution. We'll see, eh.
Stewardesses is the longest word you type only with the left hand. Unless you only have a left hand - then things would change a bit, wouldn't they? WOULDN"T THEY?!?
"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." - Homer J. Simpson

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