We made some rock and roll today, Bo, Kerri and I. Sparks flew. What a great release. My fingers are a huddled mass and there's just no voice, but we sounded good. "Dreaming of You" for 8 minutes. "Lost in the Red" for 6 - what a great song! "Lose Yourself on the Road" for a long, long time. "Prisoners" - ditto. Bo and I sing so well together, tho we really don't sing very well apart. I'm in a band.
We took a long walk to Wrigley after practice to sort of unwind and let our hair down. We met a guy named Rodney from Zimbabwe who joked and laughed with us as though we were friends of long standing. Later, Bo and I accompanied eachother on Washburn acoustics. I lay in the hammock on the deck, swinging in the breeze, looking overhead at the rafters, thinking, humming Radiohead. Bo and I walked long and hard thru the night, talking of being in a band. Liquid Amber. Tribal Dance. Ghost Shit (Kerri's suggestion.) It's been fun.
I've been hanging out with absolutely the greatest people I've ever known. Rhonda just switched majors so I won't see her everyday, and that makes me sad, but she is doing something that makes her very happy and I say kudos. She really cares about me and I reciprocate wholeheartedly. Janna - she's just awesome. She doesn't read this so I can say stuff like that. She really is tho. What more can I say. Saw Jeff and Tina and Brenda on Saturday...we went to Don Pablo's and watched wedding movies, where I had big chops and really long hair, the big ladies man no doubt.
Adam e-mailed me a really inspirational message. What a dork. :) Thanks, dude. It just is overwhelming that so many people suddenly care so much for me. I'm used to confiding in my Mom and that's it. Now I have many ears to speak to, many shoulders to blow snot on. It's very profound.
Sarah and I talked to the wee hours on Saturday, and that was really cool, and probably the latest I've been out ever. She's a fellow introvert who doesn't need a lot of noise and lights to have fun, and I think that's why we get along so well. The art of conversation is very important, but so is the art of comfortable silence, listening to Enya. (Yeah, I am NOT cool.) She is wonderful, despite what she'd have you believe, and is going to impress a lot of people some day.
And to anyone who sees me as being down...I am and I'm not. There are big things happening, and I am very communicative, so I say what's on my mind. I am never down for long, but when I am I don't keep my yap shut, so it can seem as though I am always in the doldrums. There honestly is still some sadness around...I'm still reeling at times. But I am better physically, and am ready to put my optimism to work. I felt so alive today, cracklingly alive. I felt young and vibrant and dynamic (eh, Je?) and happy and worthwhile. Tomorrow, I may feel like shit. But in the moment, I feel the moon bending her cratered face close to me, alone but not lonely, able to face my obstacles without cringing, ready to make some more connections. Scarred heart and hands, but still an unabashed enthusiasm. Even when I am in the pits, I know it's there.
I don't know what's gonna happen. But what fun would it be if I did?
I am in a band. I am looking forward to playing for people, to falling into music...I did today, losing myself in some of the jams.
I'm tired. It's been quite a ride. The future is in my hands.
Goodnight.

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