01 August 2001

It has been a Nirvana week. Kurt is my guru (tho I'm not suicidal). I feel good today, but good in a hopeless, resigned, fetted way. Finals week again!
Blarg! Where have I heard that word. It is quite cool. Blarg. What is a blarg?
I should be typing. Chub. (Another great one.) I don't want to type my journals. I want to lay on the couch in a fetal position listening to womb sounds. I told Sarah that I want to go to a bar Thursday after finals and wake up in a ditch on Sunday. I don't drink, but I can see the attraction. Maybe I'll just do it without the alcohol...spend a couple of nights out. :)
I am just coming out of a horrid depression, a lonely time. It was many things at once that contributed to it. My lack of crack money, finding out that my mom and dad are brother and sister, the Chinese mafia coming to collect their due (I now have an impressive collection of broken thumbs and teeth). It was a rough time. But with my semester nearing completion, I can see some hope. I don't like being down because you don't get much of a view from the floor. I was though, unbelievably so. More so than I've been in 2 and a half years. Maybe I've been up so long I was headed for a crash. But I seem to be coming out of it.
"Aneurysm" by Nirvana is the greatest song EVER!!!! (Eh, Kaspar.) "I love you so much it makes me sick/ So come on over and shoot the shit." And the scream...everything unsaid is in that scream. I've listened to it compulsively. Catharsis, rage, sadness, anger, disillusionment, rejection, pain...all come out in a wave of pure fucking emotion. My vocal chords don't have much left of 'em.
I went camping with Brian on Sunday and Monday to Tippecanoe. It is really hard to feel bad there. It was hot, humid, the mosquito infestation was beyond all belief, but I love it. It's such a magical place, deep woods and shady pines along a slow, fat, meandering river and miles of silent hiking trails.
The weather has been unbearable lately (for everyone but me). But the nights have been ACHINGLY beautiful. The crickets have returned, along with the katydids. Driving home through the purple orange sunset last night, I had a real lump in my throat. There is no more thrilling sound than that of the crickets, but it is also so heartbreaking. They have come to hearald the end, the end of one thing and the beginning of another. Their song always unhurried, always lovely. "This is the end, this is the end." I was walking last week mired in my usual state of selfish preoccupation when I heard them for the first time. I had one of those "What the hell is wrong with you?" moments. Why do I let myself get SOOOO down when there is so much to be up about? I manage to be lonely even though I seem to have plans every night; my friends have all been there for me, more than at any time in my life, yet I still shut people out.
Thank you. Colleen, thank you so much for our talk on Saturday. I've never mentioned Colleen, even though she is so important to me as a friend. I don't see her that often, but when I do, I come away feeling better about everything. That's the way I feel about most of my friends. I don't hang around with people I don't like (except for Adam, you stupid bastard.) :)
The Cubs are awesome! I will flunk out of my fall semester if they go deep into October, but I would give my left ear to see them win it all. I am really starting to believe in this team. Adam wrote the other night that he thought "the Cubs could win the fuckin' World Series." Those words thrilled me. Maybe it is our century. :) www.cubrants.blogspot.com
Gotta go. Much to do. Slow summer days ahead. Yippee! Blarg!
Oh yeah, to jump on the Current Listening bandwagon: Radiohead, "OK Computer," Nirvana, "Incesticide." Manic. Depressive. :) Just kidding.


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