25 July 2001

I am suffering from a severe case of anti-depression. Those inflicted with depression complain of irrational and inexplicable unhappiness, compounded by feelings of worthlessness and isolation. I am irrationally giddy, and I can't figure out why. I just took my car in to get the brakes fixed ($415), I have a bajillion papers to write between now and next Thursday, the weather is gloomy and gray, and I feel isolated and alone. But on the other hand, my semester ends in only 8 days, the wind off the lake is surprisingly refreshing, I now will be able to get my car to stop from time to time, and I am always pretty isolated from most people.

I also feel stubbornly (and almost savagely) independent. I want to write "f**k" a lot to describe it, but that's not really my style. I am out of control a bit, but not to the extent that I'd have everyone believe. I still take rejection very, very badly and still put having fun over most responsibilities, but what of it? I don't drink or anything (and that is certainly what is expected of me.) I think everyone should be a little out of control. Don't worry about singing offkey (Lord knows I don't.) Put yourself out on the line even after a great rejection - get up again. Maybe you'll just be shot down once more, but you toughen up. I'm not as tough-skinned as I'd like to be. I still spend plenty of time in the ditch over slights so imperceptible they may have never existed. But that's my nature.
"I'm out of control, tear myself down, build myself up, tear myself down again."

I got "Dinosaur Rock" from the library today. :):):):) For those of you who aren't in the know (and I think that includes pretty much everybody) it is a tape of songs about dinosaurs. I used to get it when I was little (ahem...20) and got it today. I put it on in the car and laughed so hard I almost couldn't drive. It is impossible to feel bad when listening to "The Dinosaur Song" by Tommy Tri and the Ceratops. Ha ha ha. I'm laughing now. It is so funny. "Dinosaurs are strong and scary, big animals who are not very hairy." :) I bet the people in the lab here are wondering what is so funny. Chub.

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